Why Buy the Cow when the Milk is Free?
Ahh, the age-old idiom from Mommy Lessons in what Good Girls Do. It is the hope of most respectable parents that their daughters do not become highly sexual with a number of partners, both for their protection and reputation. Women are taught that men will not marry us (buy the cow) if we allow them access to our sex without commitment (when the milk is free). And so begins the valuation of a woman’s love by her ability to be married.
Except I’ve never known milk to be free. I mean, have you ever passed a dairy farm offering free milk daily? When’s the last time milk was less than $1 a gallon at the grocery store? In a less literal sense, have you ever known a woman to love a person without expectation of, at minimum, equal or greater love in return? We give love with the expectation of security. We give love with the expectation that we matter, that we ‘count’ in someone’s life.
Sex is a Not A Weapon
Lessons like this are seeds. These seeds blossom as competition for male love, attention, and affirmation. We base our value on our number of sexual partners and withholding sex in relationships. We value sexual purity over sexual pleasure. All in the name of being good girls who don’t give away ourselves to anyone but the man who will marry us.
Abstinence/Celibacy are not inherently problematic. It is our associations with the value of sex. Hypermasculinity has reduced men to caring only about having as much sex as possible, with as many as possible. Hyperfemininity makes women believe that penultimate success is in creating and maintaining relationships with men1.
Sex as a weapon isn’t limited to just courtships.
Women reduce sex to a commodity beyond the dating stage. Mad? You gets none. Can’t get her way? Prepare to rub one out. You won’t propose to her yet? Just you and your hand. Husband didn’t take out the trash? You better have some cocoa butter. You get my point. Women treat sex as a system of reward and punishment. Sex is not a reward or gift for good behavior. Withholding sex doesn’t force men to place a higher value on the milk. And the only person getting punished is you by missing out on an orgasm, tbh.
Women cannot base the permanence of their partnerships on sex. Women have to do away with the notion of sex as the deciding factor. We treat sex as a commodity yet we’re upset when we’re compared to sex workers. Sex is a commodity for sex workers. Cows & free milk has taught women to believe that manipulation of sex will make a man stay committed. This is patently false. I don’t know how many ways to keep reminding you that it’s false.
Even worse, preoccupation with sex has caused many to forget the value of love.
The Assumptions of Cows & Milk
Part of the problem is around the idea of the nature of love for men and women. Being loved by a woman is simply because her nature urges her. Conversely, to be loved by a man is because he’s chosen to cast away his brute inability to love. A woman’s love is given by payment of fidelity, validation, affection, intimacy, and communication. A woman’s love is many things, but it is not given freely. The thought that men do not love naturally situates the self-worth of women in her ability to be chosen for love.
These presumptions about men are also problematic to/for men, but that’s a discussion for another post.
Despite socialized belief, marriage is not the penultimate marker of the ability to be loved. We have put immense pressure on ourselves and one another to be validated and affirmed by the changing of our last names. Is our mother’s successful rearing of our womanhood also validated by us being chosen as a bride? Do we really mean to tell women that no matter what she does, she’ll never be whole until she’s attached?
Milk is Only Part of a Balanced Diet
Sex is only part of a healthy, happy relationship. If someone is only looking for casual sex, they’re not in the market to buy cows or milk. However, if a man wishes to commit to a woman, it is because of who she is as a person. Take two of my friends for example:
- Friend 1 is in her mid-thirties, celibate, and incredibly vocal about waiting on God to send her husband. She has not had a long term relationship in a number of years. Her courtships are brief and end in disappointment. Yet, with each ending, she reaffirms her decision to wait because, according to her, the man who is worth it will respect and honor her.
- Friend 2 is in her late-twenties and is allergic to even the mention of celibacy. She’s had several long term relationships. Her most recent foray into love? Well, she had sex with him the first night. They’re engaged to marry in 2017 after a very brief courtship.
The point is, relationships are not built or sustained by sex. Love is bought with character that demonstrates an inexplicable “it-factor.” Sex, like children, will never trap someone into a happy, healthy marriage. How many partners have you dismissed despite their sexual skill? Good sex is meaningless in the absence of fidelity, validation, and the ability to build something meaningful.
Besides, do you really want to be betrothed with someone who sees you only as a endless milk supply? Your body is not the proverbial carrot to dangle in hopes of wedded bliss. YOU ARE ENOUGH. And it’s about time someone reminded you.
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Hi Danyelle,
I’m a new subbie and I am so glad that I found this post!
I am much like Friend 1; thirty-something, single and clueless about how to socialize as a single woman seeking a partner because church folk drilled in my head that dating is not for Christians while at the same time mainly catering to the married women and mothers in the congregation. Single Christians are encouraged to just wait and dedicate ourselves to ministry.
I’ve recently left the church; and ALL of the ministries I dedicated my youth in service to because in spite of all my “good works”, that husband never came and I felt more and more disconnected, as though I no longer fit in.
Anyway, keep telling the truth and encouraging those of us who need a bit more thank the standard pat on the head from the modern church.
Giving with expectation is essentially giving it away for free. Never do we walk into the store and get milk FIRST, drive home with it, drink it, enjoy it in our cereal – and have the store still EXPECTING payment. Nope, we pay first. That’s essentially what the idiom means. Now, whether we’re defining the milk as our love and devotion, our emotion, our sexual prowess, or cosigning on a car – it shouldn’t be given on an expectation, only upon execution and successfully fulfilling the expectation – once the milk has been paid for. Avoid the pain of failed expectations by requiring payment upfront.
Welp, that’s a good point. But just as there are multiple ways to pay for that milk, there are multiple ways to pay for love. And it’s not simply the title of a committed relationship, monogamy, or marriage. While those may be my preference, they aren’t the preference of everyone. And asking to not be equated to a cow or milk isn’t all that much to ask LOL.
you literally just reduced a woman’s capacity to love into monetary value, which is literally the exact perspective of love that this girl is saying can be so damaging to so many men and women 😂😂😂
Excellent post!
As a new non theist –
I have to think about the way I teach my daughters about the “price of milk”. I’m in my 30’s and just starting to get into my adult self, my woman self that isn’t within the boundaries set silently by my mother. But, I love it. Married with a third on the way and I celebrate a “heaux” any time because it’s linked to self and not the man.
Our mothers meant well. But when you know better, you do better!
This post is everything! Very well said. I remember my mom uttering those words to me when I was younger.
Thank you, Kenya! It’s crazy because we hear it even beyond childhood! And sometimes we repeat it to our daughters and/or the young women in our lives. We gotta break the cycle.
Thank You! I’ve been having a hard time deciding what the balance is between celibacy (purity, ultimate womanhood, Christian values) and being sexually attractive & attractED. A friend introduced me to your blog & I’ve been a fan ever since.
No, thank YOU for reading! I’m glad I’ve been helpful in sorting your thoughts!
I’m totally here for this cover photo! But seriously, this is an awesome post! My milk has always been for profit. No charity milk here!
LOL you and DH are a great compliment to this post. Shoutout to Neosha over at CreateHER Stock!
I love and agree with your observations. Keep telling us like it is!
I appreciate cha for reading AND commenting! Always good to know I’m not talking to myself! <3