Losing It is a series detailing real accounts of people who have transitioned away from faith, particularly Christianity. The author of the following story in the Losing It series wishes to remain anonymous. It has been edited only for syntax and flow.
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If Only My Mom Knew My Truth.
I am a 30 year old black woman. I have a Master of Divinity and currently volunteer at my white Christian megachurch every Sunday. I don’t know that I wish to be labeled anything, but I know that I no longer wish to be labeled Christian. Just please don’t tell my saved ass mama.
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I grew up in the church, have always had questions and have always felt this pull to something that transcends Christianity. I went to seminary because I wanted to learn for myself. I walked away with more questions about the faith but with a certainty about my spiritual identity.
But, according to my mom, I was brainwashed and lost my Jesus in “Cemetery.” She cries out, in what sounds like sheer distress, “What happened to my baby girl?!” She cannot see why I am okay with drinking, okay with sexual freedom, and worst of all, why I am in love with an agnostic man. After meeting my beau, my mom came out her mouth to tell me that she is now okay with me dating him because “you know the Lord, you can bring him to Jesus.” Before she hung up on me for irritating her, I responded, “I will not do that because I accept him how he is and value that he knows God for himself.” And I mean that.
Finding God in Losing Religion
I hear often, “you have to be equally yoked” and well, we are. Because I’m agnostic. More specifically, I’ve accepted that I’m an agnostic theist (define). And I probably have been for quite some time, even before I met my “wayward” boyfriend. I have always had issues with men who are Christian and want to oppress me. They believe that I am supposed to submit to them, answer to them, and that they are my leader. Wrong! Hell to the nah! I am a free thinker and something about inequality in a relationship feels so binding. There is no power struggle between my current beau. He does not vy to control me through religious dogma of masculinity. I can’t think of a more equal yoke than that.
To be clear, it’s not that I think Christianity was designed to oppress women. It’s just that the way it has been used certainly does limit the life choices of women. I think many Christian women find themselves struggling to be both a good disciple and to find freedom in her existence. I know that I certainly did.
Something about Christianity feels so binding. Something about following specific rules with a specific religion feels so damned binding. Quite frankly, I’m no longer about that life. I am free. In my freedom, I have finally found God. You see, it’s not that I don’t believe in Jesus, I just don’t believe that the only way to God is through Jesus. I don’t think Christianity is the end all be all and I honestly believe that when we die, we go back to God because we all come from God. For a rational person, this isn’t hard to fathom. But oh Lord, don’t tell my mama! To her, I may as well be an apostate.
A New Approach to Faith
Because I know people will wonder, no I have not had a bad experience in the church. No one hurt me. I simply wanted to know God for myself, I wanted to know God outside of doctrine and rules that say women are to be subordinate. I don’t doubt the existence of God, I just do not ascribe to any particular religion at this time. I learned the bible in context and that was the best thing I could have done for myself spiritually.
If you’re questioning and curious, honor that; wrestle with it. Ask questions! Don’t believe the hype that you can’t question God. Aren’t relationships about dialogue?
Just don’t tell my mama. I don’t feel like arguing at Thanksgiving.
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If you were with a Christian man who would literally lay down all of his own self interest and give his everything to love you, and you knew he would always put God first and you a very close second… Would you trust that man enough to follow him if God was leading him down a path you werent sure about? Would you respect him enough to listen if he gently and respectfully shared a difference of opinion and encouraged you to change course?
That is the biblical picture of submission. It’s not just losing your freedom to a bull headed leader… Its placing your trust in a man that has committed to lay his whole life down for you as Jesus did for us all.
A man like that doesnt charge ahead without consulting you. He doesn’t insist that its his way or the highway. He doesnt give orders and demand respect… He sacrifices himself to love you, and asks you to reciprocate by trusting him.
That is Ephesians 5. That is the biblical picture of marriage, submission and all that. The word “submission” carries baggage today. But the biblical concept is a beautful picture of two people laying themselves down to serve and love each other.
However, be careful disregarding God’s word just because you don’t like what it says. That’s not just questioning Him. It’s a rejection of Him. Relationships are “about dialogue” as you say. But a dialogue is not what you are having if you refuse to listen when your creator tells you how he designed us to live.
And while you can disagree with a person in a dialogue… With God, you are hearing from the one that made everything. WeWe can ask questions, but the answers we get from him are always truth. There is no disagreeing with truth. We can deny the truth, but we are just hurting ourselves when we do.
And if we know that God speaks only truth… And that he is perfect in love… Then we know he doesnt wish for you to be trapped in tyrannical marriage. He asks your husband to love you self sacrificially, as Jesus does. And he asks you to trust and respect that person.
I had to ask myself did I submit something somewhere or do I have a stalker singing my life song in this piece…for my fam the beginnnig middle and end is JESUS. Which is fine but they skip slip stumble swan dive the most basic edicts of Jesus…like my side eye from the other room door closed AND locked is hard as hell, like are ya’ll sure? Cuz the Bible I have (which has been chopped and screwed to benefit and thrust the white supremacy agenda..yea more on that at another time) shuns the behaviors you Mogen David wine dyed Bible thumpers are displaying.
Good read! I definitely relate. When I met my husband he had agnostic views amd I was Christian. I didn’t want to change him. His personality and effort won me over, not religious views. Also, this, “I think many Christian women find themselves struggling to be both a good disciple and to find freedom in her existence.” YES! We used to sing a song called “Freedom” at church and I would get into it because it was a fun song to sing and dance to, but I didn’t really believe it. I felt completely shackled and bonded. I tried so hard to feel free in Christ, but I just couldn’t.
Great read, thank you for your honesty. I believe one of the greatest mistakes Christians can make is to take what they hear at face value. I wholeheartedly agree with you that Christianity can seem very restrictive, and we need to question more what we read and be courageous enough to have theological disagreements. As I continue in my own faith, I am realizing that the church, particularly the black church, is not always a good space for theological debate and reflection. I sincerely hope and pray that will change.
I loved your discussion about your relationship. My partner self identifies as an agnostic theist and I am a Christian. When we first started dating, I was not sure if I wanted to seriously commit to a man who wasn’t saved, particularly since many of my friends cautioned me to find a man with whom I was “equally yoked.” While I think that they were well-intentioned, I completely agree with you about power inequities in Christian relationships. Before I met my partner, I was in a serious relationship with a Christian minister. But he was clearly intimidated by my educational ambition and he constantly used this language of “God says” to justify what he believed as God’s truth for our relationship, even if I didn’t agree. From my perspective, he overestimated the strength of his Christian faith by greatly undervaluing mine. I can hear from God myself, and what he thought didn’t automatically take precedent just because he was a man. I almost tried to marry him, but JESUS SAVES lol.
Amazingly, I have found more spiritual freedom being with my current partner than I ever did in other relationships. We work so well because we let each other be who we are, even if we disagree on some things. So glad to hear that you found someone who supports you as you find yourself spiritually. Again, thanks for the refreshing message.
I can’t judge you nor say anything life your live! The way that Christianity is viewed and used is so restrictive! God is more about love and inner peace and expanding our Souls. I had questions and look to the Heavens for answers. I sure got them. Humans have restricted Christianity to control each other. I always say Who died and made you God surly not His Son! When I meet The Divine One He is going to judge me by how I lived by the lessons Christ left us and not by what others did to me. I live by God’s Rules not humans. Remember God asked Job a very important question and I paraphrase “Where you there when creation was happening?” We have no clue what so ever What God thinks or day to day! We should just all give Him a blessing and say thanks for loving me!
So much of what you’ve said is true! This is why this submission resonated with me so much. I’m sure we’re not the only ones <3