Imagine for a moment that you and your sibling share the same parents and home. While you are happy and well cared for, your sibling is neglected and deprived of their basic needs. If you knew your sibling was neglected but you still believed your father was a great parent because he took such great care of you, what kind of person would that make you? Is your father really a good father?
I have reached a point where I am able to critically think and analyze the Bible and, more than anything, think as a loving parent. If I continued to believe God was all powerful and all knowing, then I would also have to accept that he knew the fate of each and every one of us ahead of time. He already knew that if he allowed Satan to live that Adam would be tempted to eat from the tree of wisdom, which would open the gate to hell which meant Satan and his minions would have a pass to assist billions of God’s children in doing things that give them a hot spot in an eternal fire. He could’ve just killed Satan to avoid pain and suffering of his children, but he chose to make it difficult and leave his children to roam among demons and giving us the struggle with temptation. I compare it to a parent putting a porno and bag of cocaine in their teenage son’s drawer just to see what he’s going to do with it. Will the son avoid the porn and drugs to prove how much he loves his parents? Or will he give in to temptation and watch the porno while smoking the drugs? I wouldn’t do that to my children I love and I choose not to associate myself with any person or deity who would.
God wanted to know if a man would kill his child to prove his love for him, but if God is all knowing he would’ve known how much he was loved. God allowed 42 lads to be mauled to death by two bears for teasing a bald believer (2 Kings 2:23-24), but allows horrible things to happen to innocent children every single day. Either God is vain and evil or the Bible is a compilation of fictional stories of a God made in man’s image.
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Embracing my truth only gave way to more questions. How was I able to have such deep worship experiences?
I came to realize the root of it all: overwhelming emotions. Simply put, I was in my feelings. I oftentimes thought myself into those experiences. The story of death, burial, and resurrection of Christ for your sole benefit of salvation from eternal hell will bring out the deepest sense of appreciation when it’s been drilled in your psyche. The cyclical emotions of gratitude and guilt, the deep sense of brokenness when you think of your life without Christ, and the religious experience of shouting (a mere reduction of the enslaved African tradition of “circle shout”) creates the Holy Spirit experience. It’s the power of the mind.
As I grew more comfortable in my truth, I decided it was time for my husband and I to talk to our children. I didn’t know how it would affect them and I worried about how they’d adapt. I incorporated God into their daily life. I’d even begun them on the path of religious guilt, often telling them “God isn’t happy with your behavior” when they’d misbehave. Soon, they even wanted to know if God was happy if they did certain things, like helping me clean or being obedient to my instruction. I didn’t want to confuse them, but I knew it was time to be honest with them. After sharing my truth with them, they too asked questions about God and stories of the Bible they had been taught. My daughter began to bring up things that surprised me. She had strong opinions about God killing Job’s family; a proud mommy moment that I’d raised such a critical and sympathetic thinker. Even in this new awareness, I explained that we should respect others no matter what they believe and that if they wanted to continue to believe, it was okay with me.
After talking to my children, I knew it was time to tell my parents. In December 2015, I broke the news to my parents and my closest friend. Their reactions were devastating. My Dad took it the hardest and it only worsened when I explained why I didn’t believe anymore. I argued fiercely with my inner circle, only to be met with their rebuttals. I was told I didn’t try hard enough and my faith was never real. I was told that if anyone found out about my beliefs it would ruin my reputation. I was even given the argument that faith is what worked for my ancestors, especially during slavery. I became so angry I yelled, “Faith is a placebo! They freed themselves!”
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I most definitely understand. Thanks for reading! Love your outfits btw 🙂
I enjoyed reading this immensely. Many of my friends are church going Christians. I learned a while ago to “not go there” lest I be dragged into an inpromptu bible study or lesson on the importance of being saved. At one point I even contemplated getting baptized, you know, just in case. But I decided going through the motions would be disrespectful to those that truly believe. Instead, I strive to live by the golden rule. Like everyone else, I fall short time to time. That’s when I remind myself that effort is all that can be expected of us mere mortals.
I meant that other comment for thestyleperk. Whoops! I can most definitely relate to what you mentioned about an impromptu bible lesson lol. Since my experience has been posted to this site I have received five messages of people sharing their testimony and suggestions for books they have read that helped build their faith. I understand where they’re coming from because I was the same way, but being on the other side now I see how irritating it is lol. I’ve heard numerous stories already.
Interesting read and perspective, thanks for sharing. I could never imagine stepping away from my faith, and I truly believe in my heart that God and Christ are real, but I know others have different beliefs and experiences! #BLMGirl
This was very well written Britney. Of course as you have come to your conclusion in your beliefs I have been reassured by mine. I will say this I notice throughout your article and the view into your life through Facebook and your blog that your husband wasn’t a strong believer in Christ, my husband wasn’t either. I knew this would greatly affect my religion and our marriage, I prayed that if God had put it in my heart as strong as He had to love him (God), and honor my husband then God would bring him to Christ. And he answered! It is hard I would say nearly impossible to not be equally yoked in a marriage, compromise happens, and someone “looses”, in this case your relationship with Christ lost.
I am not here to judge you or condemn you. I believe everyone is entitled to their opinion, I am also happy to discuss this more, but as I’ve been very vocal in my belief system I know there is no other answer than The Holy Trinity.
Thank you for reading and commenting Jazmine :-). Please don’t assume things. My husband is not the cause of the failure of my relationship with Christ. The last few years our unequally yoked relationship was a good one. We both had respect for our differences and he never tried to convince me not to believe, although there were times I tried to make him believe. He actually encouraged me to keep going to church telling me that “maybe the holy spirit will help you believe again” because he saw how difficult it was for me to face the fact that I was losing my faith in the Bible and Jesus/God. My journey is one of my own doing. Even though neither of us are believers we still have very different ideas and opinions about spiritual matters.
Deep sis. Great writing. As people begin to ask the questions that we’ve all wanted to ask–but were scared to be condemned so we suppressed them–they will start figuring out more than just what we’ve been “taught.” Through all the good moral teachings, that some were found in earlier belief systems, you begin to notice things that don’t make sense and wonder more. It’s so much to process, so many levels to discuss and think through (capitalism and religion, pre-slavery, coincidences of other systems, etc).
I appreciate your honesty and heart. I still revisit our conversations as I go deeper into the non-matching of religion and history, my personal experiences and what’s best for my family. I thank you for that.
Thank you for reading and commenting! I really appreciate it! I’m excited to see what you and your gorgeous wife have in store with Melanin Connoisseur!