“Losing It” is a series detailing real accounts of people who have transitioned away from faith, particularly Christianity. The following story in the Losing It series is written by a TUFC Guest Author, Britney of Britney Dearest. It has been edited only for syntax and flow.
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Estimated Reading Time: 9-12 Minutes
Have you ever thought about why such a perfect, powerful God chose to have everything about him limited to a book written by imperfect, powerless men?
If He is our Father, shouldn’t He rely on one on one communication with his children, the way a parent naturally does, without a middle man called the bible or the holy spirit? I have and it led me on an incredible journey to truth.
I identified as Christian and had been a member in the body of Christ church for as long as I can remember. My belief in God transformed from a lesson of my childhood into a personal relationship as I grew into my teens. I always wholeheartedly believed in the Bible, but I wasn’t a good little saint. I always struggled with the thought of going to hell, but ultimately chose my own way over the right way more often than not. Blame peer pressure.
It wasn’t until the pregnancy of my first child, almost ten years ago, that I decided to take my relationship with Christ seriously. The failed relationship between my child’s father and I brought on kind of a mental breakdown during my pregnancy. Broken and feeling the need for healing, I joyfully joined my parent’s non-denominational Christian church and became dedicated to sainthood.
I attended church every Sunday. I praised and worshipped. I had a walk-in closet that doubled as my prayer closet and I read my Bible daily. I ministered to people. I didn’t drink alcohol or go to clubs. I wasn’t perfect by any means, but I was very proud and open about my faith.
My outreach over the last 8 years or so positioned me as a spiritual mentor, counseling young mothers to help them grow out of their sinful habits. My Christian faith was a major, intense part of my life. I shared scriptures and spiritual encouragement through social media and with whomever I could in person. My inbox overflowed with requests for advice on personal matters from people who wanted to grow in their faith.
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Early 2015 signaled the beginning of the end of my Christian faith.
I’m almost positive it was a result of watching a Sam Harris “Atheist vs. Christian” debate on YouTube. I felt as if the Christian had won the debate because I strongly believed everything he argued, but I walked away with a whole new perspective on the character of God. It was then that I began to acknowledge the strong doubts I held about my beliefs.
As I began to research the history of Black Christianity and the bible, I sought out my parents for advice. They encouraged me with scriptures and prayer to keep me focused on my biblical beliefs. I wanted it to work so I could have peace from the voice in my mind but the thoughts and questions remained.
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I most definitely understand. Thanks for reading! Love your outfits btw 🙂
I enjoyed reading this immensely. Many of my friends are church going Christians. I learned a while ago to “not go there” lest I be dragged into an inpromptu bible study or lesson on the importance of being saved. At one point I even contemplated getting baptized, you know, just in case. But I decided going through the motions would be disrespectful to those that truly believe. Instead, I strive to live by the golden rule. Like everyone else, I fall short time to time. That’s when I remind myself that effort is all that can be expected of us mere mortals.
I meant that other comment for thestyleperk. Whoops! I can most definitely relate to what you mentioned about an impromptu bible lesson lol. Since my experience has been posted to this site I have received five messages of people sharing their testimony and suggestions for books they have read that helped build their faith. I understand where they’re coming from because I was the same way, but being on the other side now I see how irritating it is lol. I’ve heard numerous stories already.
Interesting read and perspective, thanks for sharing. I could never imagine stepping away from my faith, and I truly believe in my heart that God and Christ are real, but I know others have different beliefs and experiences! #BLMGirl
This was very well written Britney. Of course as you have come to your conclusion in your beliefs I have been reassured by mine. I will say this I notice throughout your article and the view into your life through Facebook and your blog that your husband wasn’t a strong believer in Christ, my husband wasn’t either. I knew this would greatly affect my religion and our marriage, I prayed that if God had put it in my heart as strong as He had to love him (God), and honor my husband then God would bring him to Christ. And he answered! It is hard I would say nearly impossible to not be equally yoked in a marriage, compromise happens, and someone “looses”, in this case your relationship with Christ lost.
I am not here to judge you or condemn you. I believe everyone is entitled to their opinion, I am also happy to discuss this more, but as I’ve been very vocal in my belief system I know there is no other answer than The Holy Trinity.
Thank you for reading and commenting Jazmine :-). Please don’t assume things. My husband is not the cause of the failure of my relationship with Christ. The last few years our unequally yoked relationship was a good one. We both had respect for our differences and he never tried to convince me not to believe, although there were times I tried to make him believe. He actually encouraged me to keep going to church telling me that “maybe the holy spirit will help you believe again” because he saw how difficult it was for me to face the fact that I was losing my faith in the Bible and Jesus/God. My journey is one of my own doing. Even though neither of us are believers we still have very different ideas and opinions about spiritual matters.
Deep sis. Great writing. As people begin to ask the questions that we’ve all wanted to ask–but were scared to be condemned so we suppressed them–they will start figuring out more than just what we’ve been “taught.” Through all the good moral teachings, that some were found in earlier belief systems, you begin to notice things that don’t make sense and wonder more. It’s so much to process, so many levels to discuss and think through (capitalism and religion, pre-slavery, coincidences of other systems, etc).
I appreciate your honesty and heart. I still revisit our conversations as I go deeper into the non-matching of religion and history, my personal experiences and what’s best for my family. I thank you for that.
Thank you for reading and commenting! I really appreciate it! I’m excited to see what you and your gorgeous wife have in store with Melanin Connoisseur!