Hey, Girl!
Yes I’m talking to you. The one who’s given up on dating because you don’t have time for games. The one who has somberly declared defeat because there are no good men left. The “Erykah Badu in a world full of Beyoncé.” The girl who “can’t twerk, roll a blunt, or get 100 likes,” but you “can clean a house, cook a meal, and make [your own] money.” The one who’s convinced she remains single and unchosen because thots of the world are winning.
This was my crude retort to another woman in the course of an online discussion. I wasn’t addressing a side chick or a woman with whom I had beef. I simply recognized a person who had been lulled to sleep by the notion that men view the permanence of sex in the same way as women. Although women constantly swear to the heavens that they know sex won’t keep a man, they still do things that reflect the contrary. Even right down to how we talk about other women.
Consider how we treat Blac Chyna and Erykah Badu. When Blac Chyna began to date Rob Kardashian, we watched as he began to shift from depressed recluse back to the vibrancy of his former self. You know how most of the internet water cooler responded? That Blac Chyna must have some good a** p**sy. The idea that that her good character was making marked impact on this man was not entertained. No, she was solely reduced to her sexual prowess by both men and women who’d already previously reduced her to nothing but a stripper hoe.
Even Erykah Badu, Patron Saint of Hotep, is not exempt. Every man she’s dated or procreated with has been transformed and impacted by her. And the credit for that is always assessed to her love pocket rather than her character.
We as women are just as guilty of rushing to call another woman a hoe. This is in part due to competition for partnership but it’s mostly a way to project our insecurities onto another person. The social definition of a hoe is only consistent in two ways:
- That it varies from person to person and;
- The body count value will always be high enough to exclude the person defining what makes a hoe.
What you really care about, though, is why someone who has been deemed to be valueless due to her promiscuity is being chosen over women who are less promiscuous and thus more valuable. Allow me to help out by debunking the “Power of P**sy” and expose how your value chain has you losing.
1. You Think Withholding Sex Increases Value
All the self-help books, your favorite blogs, and anecdotes of all the other good women who remain single agree on one thing: if you want your mate to respect you, you’ll make them wait at least 90 days for sex. You believe that 90 days, roughly 3 months, will allow you to get to know the depths of your new partner beyond the stage of infatuation and lust. You believe, as Steve Harvey has preached, that waiting 90 days “signals to a man that you are not a plaything – someone to be used and discarded. It tells him that what you have – your benefits – are special, and that you need time to get to know him and his ways to decide if he deserves them.” Only hoes give it up quick, making it hard for good women to get the good men.
Congratulations, you lost. You’re losing because you’ve bought into the notion that withholding sex gives you power. Do you think men are living under a rock that keeps them from knowing about the 90-Day Rule game? Even if he agrees to abide by your rules, does it guarantee that he’s not getting sex elsewhere?
Without a commitment and title, he is not obligated to be faithful to you. Girl, he KNOWS how to play the role of what you want him to be and do in those 90 days. That’s not to say that all men play games, it is to say that you’re going to need something deeper than a sex clock to gauge his intent.
Too often, women believe that controlling sex will force the man to quicken his pace in assigning a title and commitment to a relationship. Have you considered that withholding sex purely for the purpose of getting a title (committed monogamous relationship) could be seen as a character defect?
Consider this: if you haven’t taken a vow of abstinence (as I have for nearly five years) and you’re solely withholding sex to control when a man defines your connection to him, a man may question what else you choose to withhold to control his actions. Will you withhold emotional support when you’re angry with him for not doing what you want? Will you withhold financial support if the money isn’t going where you want it to go? If you’re willing to forego supplying your partner’s needs based on how you feel, does that still make you a good, high-value woman?
2. You Value Silence as Letting a Man Lead
Even if you’re sexually liberated enough to know that a timeline doesn’t define your value as a partner, you still find yourself popping the same question soon after sex: “So, what are we?” He tells you everything else besides “you’re my girlfriend” and you silently acquiesce, hoping that it’ll eventually circle around to what you want out of the situation. You continue to use sex and other subtle cues to read into what he “really” feels. Instead of having a second conversation about it for fear of getting curved, you assume your silence allows him to lead the two of you.
Yeah girl, you lost. You’re losing because you’re using sex to communicate your desires instead of just speaking up honestly about what you want. Many women view sex as an impermeable bond between two people and, therefore, believe that a man should know that she wants commitment the moment she slides her panties to the side for him. Problem with that is men don’t view sex in the same way. Men don’t place an immediate value on sex, it’s just something to do. Women see sex as an emotional investment, men don’t view sex as anything until they’re emotionally invested. Yep, you guessed it: your sex isn’t gonna be what makes him emotionally invest. Open up that Michael Kors trick bag and dig a lil’ deeper, girl. The “hoes” are beating you here because they recognize their value is not in their sex, unlike so many so-called good women.
3. You Value Speaking Everything except What’s on Your Mind
You think sex is powerful enough to drive a man to commitment and to keep him committed, but you can’t even own your sexuality. You’re too afraid to speak up about what does and doesn’t please you sexually. You won’t speak of your sexual fantasies because you don’t want him to think you’re a freak hoe. You won’t perform certain bed tricks because you don’t want him to wonder about the number of men you’ve done it with, labeling you a nasty hoe. You’re quick to speak on everything and everyone else except what makes you happy. This is why you continue to lose out on both happiness in a committed relationship and sexual pleasure.
Not only have they not wrapped their supreme value in what lies between their thighs, they’re not afraid to be vocal about what they want out of a man. Be it finance or sexual pleasure, the hoe isn’t afraid to voice her needs. Good women believe in the scarcity of good men. The “hoe” knows if this one won’t comply, there will be others who will.
The man that you’re longing after has been with enough women to know that your inability to voice your desires is merely a manifestation of emotional insecurity. Who knowingly wants an overly insecure partner for the long-term? You want to be “committed” but you aren’t secure enough in yourself or him as a man to be open and honest about YOUR own needs. So how can you possibly be valuable to him and help actualize his needs outside of the bedroom? So now because society has taught you that your power is sex, men now use your thoughts and behaviors about sex to assess your behavior about a multitude of other things. Stop believing that men aren’t that deep so that you underestimate his knowledge of how to deal with women.
4. You Value Low Mileage as Marriage Material
You pride yourself on the fact that you’re a choosy lover. You brag on the fact that you can count your sexual partners on one hand or that you’re well below 2 digit numbers. You know your body is harder to gain entrance to than Fort Knox. You also know that this is what makes you a virtuous woman and qualifies you as marriage material. After all, no man wants what everyone else has had.
There’s only one small flaw to your logic: you forgot that promiscuous women get married too. Karrine Steffans literally has books and scores of interviews detailing numerous sexual exploits with multiple men. Yet, she’s been married THREE times. Why? Because her character, not her body, was perceived as added value to her husbands and the men who dated her long term. The hoes you lament so much are curled up with the man of your dreams as you sit home watching Oprah’s Lifeclass while planning your imaginary wedding on Pinterest.
You’re losing because you’ve failed to realize that a woman must add value to her partner’s life outside the bedroom in order to be chosen as a long-term emotional, spiritual, and financial investment. Karrine’s value may not be much to you, but to the men who chose her she added something that couldn’t be replicated with another woman. Even if all that woman’s value to him is a boost of confidence to his ego to enable him to be his best self, it is value added.
Honestly ask yourself: “what value do I add?” Do you provide honest opinions in conversation with him? Do you give the same emotional vulnerability that you demand in the relationship? Do you offer support to his dreams, bringing to the forefront obstacles that only a wise woman is intuitive enough to see? Or are you a dream killer, dismissing every idea he presents for your opinion regardless of its feasibility. Are you the woman who demands more than she’s willing to give in partnership? If you’re a broken person with nothing to offer, you’re still not getting chose whether you’ve got the body mileage of a 2017 Aston Martin Vanquish or a 1985 Ford Yugo.
5. You Value Yourself as “Different” than Other Women
You’re not like those other girls. You know, the superficial ones who only care about having the latest purse or shoes. You’re not the typical girl spending more time on hair, makeup, and Instagram filters than on her hustle. Oh no, you’re the girl who would only needs lip gloss. You’d rather focus on your grind at the corporate job you landed after finishing your Master’s degree. Won’t catch you out at a club, no! Any man who’s going to find you will have to catch you at Starbucks or brunch with your single home girls. You’re the perfect girl for a real man. Loyal, sweet, and not in these streets. Hell, you’re such a prize catch that you never believe that you are even partially responsible for failures in your relationships. He didn’t know a good thing when he had it. He didn’t know your value or your worth. It’s his loss and he’s simply moving out of the way for a real man to step in.
Except you’re about as different as the next special snowflake girl who thinks the same stuff about herself. You’re as different as the next insecure woman labeling every other woman a thot or basic bitch because she puts more time into her appearance than you do. You’re losing because you’re spending so much time trying not to be like “those” women that you don’t even know how to be yourself.
Tired of Hoes Winning? Get the Scoop Straight to Your Inbox in “Hoes Ain’t Won 2: The Fix”
SMDH. Eddie Murphy covered this dynamic in RAW wayyyy long ago, and nothing changed. But, ahem, let’s expand on how the main ones demanding pristine black womanhood are bedding each other. Or maybe that’s my Atlanta cynic popping out.
Disagree 100% interesting article though. I think men chose hoes because they look good and they impress their friends that’s it. Most men don’t care about what’s important until they are stuck with the hoe for a long time then it gets tired. Hence why hoes get passed from husband to husband. That woman may have gotten married 3 times but uh that’s 2 failed marriages. It’s not about getting the husband it’s about keeping them.
I believe we are all who God says we are. One thing I never understood was the obsession with relationships, wanting somebody, and finding someone. Why are we so preoccupied with convincing anyone to like us and be with us in the first place? And why isn’t this a normal conversation we have together as people with both genders? Why does a woman have to be a certain way and a man has to be a certain way? Why people can’t just be transparent about who they are and just be. Nobody is going to love you more than God anyway. You’re not getting Jeus in a spouse. We all fall short. Nobody’s getting perfection so why is it such an issue. Our human existence don’t even last that long.
I think it’s a mistake for women to feel that it’s ok to be a Hoe. It’s not. Your body is a temple and practicing self control is the ultimate test of character. Perhaps an article on sexual trauma is needed here to better understand why certain women/men are promiscuous. Women aren’t wired mentally or physiologically like men. We’re far more complicated and have deeper emotional levels-we’re moms remember. I don’t quite understand why you separate character from promisicutiy and your example of the woman who has been married three times is not a badge of honor unless being married is the goal and not staying married. We’ve all dealt with the murkiness of sex, when, where and with whom, but stay focused on the consequences and emotional toll of too many men. Sex connects you to the individual, it’s not like drinking a glass of water or going to the bathroom.
As a man, I agree with 99.7% of what you wrote. This is awesome! Thank you for telling the truth. One part I disagree with: “Men don’t place an immediate value on sex, it’s just something to do. Women see sex as an emotional investment, men don’t view sex as anything until they’re emotionally invested.”
As a man, I am emotionally invested. I want to be happy. I want to feel pleasure. I want to be with someone that wants to be with me. BUT…the value of sex DRAMATICALLY increases when I feel like I have something “special” or “valuable”. Most women offer the same things as other women, but want you to act as if they are giving the rarest thing ever.
Hey Greg! Thank you so much! I am with a man who feels like you, so I know these men exist (:
I love your blog…especially the truthful piece on heather Lindsey . thank you and blessings.
Great read! You put a lot of things into perspective for me personally.
You are spot on with this article. I know a couple of women who think exactly like this and they have no clue they are their own enemies when it comes to dating and finding the right man. In fact I was considered the HOE in the group…….However my husband and I just celebrated our 2nd year of marriage and our first child together will be one this year. Hooray for the Hoes!!!!
WELP! That’s the way the cookie crumbles! You should send ’em this post LOL
I thought for sure that I left a comment for this article. Think I was so excited about it that I forgot. Love, love, love what you have to say. Keep up the PHENOMENAL work. You are freeing some folk up in heyah!
Holy shit, this is possibly the greatest article I’ve ever read by a female for females. Fucking amazing and spot on.
Hot damn! Thanks CharlieReckless!
Not a problem! Met a gorl online 2 years ago and she was attractive. but was always always in competition with the Suicide girls/modeling crowd on social media. It kind of went south do to my insecurities (I was about 6 months out of a four year relationship). Anyway, I see her demeaning herself as nothing more than a sex object for likes on social media, and its very sad. I got to really know her over the course of a few months long distance and she had a lot of potential. What’s your take on female’s that media whore? Like girls that market themselves as just being a sex toy.
I absolutely loved this article. Is it ok if I post the link in my Instagram bio. I’m so sick of “good girls” complaining about hoes via Instagram.
Thank you! Feel free, Part 2 drops on Monday!
I found one line here simple, brilliant, and all women need to remember when seeking a satisfying relationship: “The “hoe” knows if this one won’t comply, there will be others who will.”
At the end of the day, no matter what our great attributes, there will always be men who don’t appreciate us, don’t think we are enough, and will make us question our value if allowed. I’ve been happily married for years now, but if I had mastered the concept of “on to the next one” when I was younger I could have saved myself plenty time, stress and hard feelings.
There seems to be this growing misconception that every single woman who would prefer to be in a relationship has somehow failed to be a worthy partner and there are always suggestions for what she could or should be doing to capture a man. While I’m sure some of these suggestions may be on point, I think it would behoove many of us to just keep rolling the dice until we find someone who appreciates us as we are.
Laylyn, GIRL have you been reading my part 2 before I publish it? Your comment confirms I’m absolutely on the right track. Thank you for reading and I hope you come back!
Well stated.
Interesting…
Interesting article. I consider myself a Christian and take pride in that. I have always actually enjoyed reading my Bible. As a young girl though, my favorite biblical characters were woman – Eve, Ruth, Esther, Rahab, Abigail, Bathsheba, Mary, Mary Magdeline – each one noted and revered. Yet each one would have been ostracized during her time for being less than a rightous lady.
While I don’t like the term Hoe, I understand your points, and agree that there is something more Devine in us that attracts a commitment from a male than our honeypots.
With that said, I thinks a woman waiting to have sex should be more about her, not the guy or her fear of becoming a hoe. Our ability to connect is one of the things that make us attractive and desirable. When we choose to connect with many, we truly connect with few. Some of the loneliest women are those who always have someone in her bed, but no connection. Regardless of number of partners, it is a good thing to consider that who you physically connect with should be someone you can spiritually connect with.
Women who chose sex ABSOLUTELY should be doing so for her sake and not the end goal of a man or maintaining a certain count, but that’s not always the case. I absolutely adore your inclusion of less-than-perfect biblical women, by the way. Your points are so crucial and valid and I’m mighty glad you included them.
P.S.: The language is a reflection of social conversation around the topic. I didn’t create the dichotomy, I simply wrote in common terminology that folks would understand.
Great post Lady.
Sis you better say this!! I completely agree.
Thank you, Sis! I’ll be sure to check out LoveJonesRemix.com too!
Because I enjoyed this so much I quoted it on my blog and in todays HuffPo. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/venessa-marie-perry/tired-of-being-single-try-these-4-things_b_10026618.html
Whaaaaaat?! THANK YOU!
You’re welcomed!
As a male reading this I want to say: YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES.
Thank you.
Always love it when I get support from the fellas. Thank you for reading!
I read this article just in time… I was starting to doubt my hoeness.. and then I read this and life returned. I always noticed, once it stopped being about my healing and self-care, manifestations of things outside my character started to become more apparent… I felt like someone else because I was acting like someone else.. and not me.. not who I am. I feel like a lot of folks, especially rape survivors who have reclaimed their sexual expression, freely and authentically, should read this.. it’s so easy to fall into the toxic thought process’s presented in your article.. and yet folks still can’t see why sexism is the toxic water we all swim in…thank you! gained a new supporter! your other articles are beyond amazing as well! please never stop!
Thank you, you have no idea the joy that your comment brought me!
Wow great article!
Thank you! Hope you come back for more!
I’m happily married and I tell my husband all the time, “hoes taught me how to be a wife”…it’s the truth. Not only do they value men, they value their role and their feminine power and all that it adds to a man’s life. I haven’t worked a “real job” since before we got married and I’m OK with that. I’ve had the freedom to create and entrepreneur myself to death (life). And be called “nasty” because I’ve had 3 babies in 6 years….IDC, I’s married nah! I also NEVER say I’m different than other women because I’m really not. We’re all freakin’ phenomenal when we embrace it. I’m cut from the same cloth, I just choose different patterns (quote me). LOL! This was a fantastic article and of course I’ll be reading more now! #BLMGirl
I share our family life over at http://NspiyahdLife.com …but this is gonna be my late night ice cream right here! ?
Adding you to blogs to check out now!
Yay!! Thank you sis! Doing the same!
C’mon on through Zion! We should billboard “Heauxs can teach you how to be a wife.”
Well a hoe is a nasty slut that fucks anybody to build her low selfesteem a real righteous woman dont do that now for my husba d im his everything
A hoe is actually a pejorative term assigned to presumably insecure women by demonstratively insecure women. Sexuality, nor the enjoyment of it, does not make someone inherently good or bad. Character and integrity determine that one (-:
I LOVE this!! Shared it on my fb page. I’m not a Christian but this was awesome!!
Thank you! Christianity isn’t a prerequisite at all LOL and I’m always glad when those who DON’T identify as such can relate. There’s room at the table for us all.
Yes yes yes times 10! All of this. I wish more women had this mindset. Self love and understanding is so important yet we neglect what it is about us that is lacking! When I learned this my whole life and perspective changed! Thanks for putting my thoughts into the elegant witty words that I could not get out lol #blmgirl
Thank YOU for getting it <3
Oh the cognitive dissonance!
Wow. Just straight jewels. Also funny that the other commenter still thinks she’s a special snowflake lol.
LOL cognitive dissonance is a helluva drug. Thank you for reading and sharing!
I read your article and I actually enjoyed it. I really do agree with a lot of the things you said and I also like the title of you blog “The Unfit Christian”. I see a lot of my own beliefs in everything you wrote the only thing I didn’t agree with is #5. because I am that girl that always say I’m different then most women cause I am. I’m not into the make up, bags, and flashy clothing because its just not me. I have nothing against the women who chooses to have those things I just feel as though women shouldn’t base their worth on the value of their clothing. You can rock all the name brands labels you want to but who are you without it. I have met many women who go this route and then their funds dry up and now they are in a mid life crisis cause they don’t know who they are.Make up is great to have but make up should enhance your beauty not recreate you. I’m a homebody type I hate going to clubs nothings against the people that do but as long as I could remember going to clubs have been boring. I would go out with my sisters and maybe dance to a song or two but eventually you will find me in the corner watching purses or probably curled up in a chair sleep. I like hanging out and maybe going to a lounge but the packed out clubs, standing in longs lines, no where to sit, 45 minutes to get a drink, and cant move without bumping into somebody, nope not for me. LOL.. I think a lot women have superficial values and I do believe that why a lot of women put up a front on social media and not truly what they are going through. I am do believe I am an unfit christian I believe in God and Jesus is the way but I do feel a woman has a right to choose, I believe you cant help who you fall in love with ,and I do believe that a woman should be able to be sexually free and not judge based upon it. I was raised traditionally baptist and as I have gotten older I have strayed away from a lot of the teachings because I believe religion is man made and not of the word of God. I believe people like to manipulate the word to their on beliefs. Anyways I really enjoyed this article and I am a new subscriber. I look forward to more readings.
Hey Girl, I’ve been all of these women at some point so I preach to myself first LOL. Thank you for ready!
You are so right shaterica…i am the same way while i did use sex it wasnt to control him bcus i wanted also.. i am different..i supported all his endeavours and gave positive feedback encouragement and engaging conversation..imparted wisdom and financial support when needed..but as soon as he got to the place where he had nothing more to get from me ..he felt he dint need me he moved on with the next chick taking all my hard work and imparting with him..leaving me with a huge hole.
Like with anything it doesn’t apply to all cases. I just view this writing as one way of looking at it but it’s not the beliefs of all men. I can tell you right now I can name several men who don’t want a woman on a serious level who they can lay down with easily. Period. The double standard is real. Some men don’t care and some do. This is no one size fits all approach. Also the idea of being “different than other women” ummm…..I don’t think any two people are the same. We are all different in ways. We are unique beings with God given characteristics. I think Oprah Winfrey is different than Hillary Clinton. They both are successful women but their valued, habits, joys, dislikes, interests etc. may be extremely different.
I have dialogue with men and they say it’s about timing a lot of the time. If he isn’t ready he isnt. Period. Hoe or “good girl” This was a interesting read and I see the perspective.