“What would happen if we saw taking seriously Black women’s singleness as a form of worship- our reasonable service? And I’m not talking about these Pinky Promise/Purity Circles/Wives-in-Training/Waiting Wives that take advantage of genuine desire and good intentions but are nothing more than spiritual pyramid schemes.”
—Candice Benbow, What Shall We Say to These Things? The Implications of Black Women’s Singleness
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EDITOR’S NOTE (8/21/20): In light of recent allegations against The Lindseys, an update to this piece has been posted here: The Cult of Heather Lindsey Revisited
EDITOR’S NOTE (8/4/17): This piece remains unapologetic in its criticisms of Lindsey, Pinky Promise, and the charismatic Purity Movement as a whole. Heather Lindsey is well aware of this article. Just as she made the choice not to address it (she currently has all of us — D. Danyelle Thomas (Unfit Christian), Candice Benbow (quoted above) — blocked on all social media), so have I. Unlike many other posts on Unfit Christian, comments are disabled, submissions about the piece are often deleted and ignored, and conversation about it is not entertained by me via social networks. As always, the goal of Unfit Christian is to change the way to do faith by addressing various gates that keep all of us from corporate access to God. Thank you for reading.
The Rise of Heather Lindsey
Heather Lindsey, the magnanimous personality of the Purity Culture movement, has a story not unlike most. The Christian wife, mother, and minister is the 10th of 23 adopted children raised in Michigan by loving parents. A graduate of Michigan State University, she worked briefly in the entertainment industry with “the sole purpose of being a light of Christ in a dark place.”
With a profound passion for women, Lindsey founded Pinky Promise in January 2012. Pinky Promise, whose mission is to promote abstinence in singleness and submission in marriage, boasts a membership of over 22,000 women. Her authority in the matters of women’s ministry is not granted by seminary studies nor ordination. It has been assigned by proxy of her courtship and marriage to Cornelius Lindsey, founder and pastor of The Gathering Oasis in Atlanta, Georgia.
A Storybook Love Affair
The cornerstone of Lindsey’s movement is the storied tale of her courtship, marriage, and ministry with Cornelius. Their love story is one that she frequently shares as an example of the possibilities that await women when they choose abstinence and submission.
The most coherent account of Heather’s story appears in a February 2012 blog post. After rededicating her life to Christ in 2003, Lindsey began to sort through her complex relationship with creating and maintaining relationships with men. She describes the baggage of her dating life as years of stronghold. She animatedly describes the difficulties of being satisfied in solitude, admitting that she often searched for her value in people, money, her appearance, and material trappings.
After self-imposed reclusion with Jesus alone, Heather proudly proclaims about the “Godly timing” of meeting her now husband, Cornelius Lindsey, in January 2009. She waxes poetic about how courtship with Cornelius forced her into a state of emotional growth. She credits their courtship with the purging of behaviors that she’d amassed from previous relationships, including being spoiled, manipulation, and being highly emotional. After nearly two years of courtship, they wed and kissed for the first time on their wedding day.
The Chinks in the Armor
Lindsey is quick to retort that her courtship and marriage with Cornelius is no fairytale. It has, however, been a selling point in her numerous business ventures. Her first of five books, Pink Lips & Empty Hearts, is oft cited as a rite of passage into the abstinence movement. This book, introduced by her husband Cornelius, is an expanded form of their love story, littered with advice for how other women too can achieve this kind of love. It is also part of the syllabus for membership in the Pinky Promise Movement, Lindsey’s flagship organization.
The structure of Pinky Promise is curious at best. Its main presence on the web is a simple ning network, offering quick sign up for potential members. Heather’s latest products are more prominent on the site than details about the organization (which can eventually be found on the left sidebar). There is no information about the national structure of the organization, its leadership, or national membership roles. Most of the interactions seem to be on the local level with minimal national oversight. The site encourages its members to form or join local chapters and there appears to be a monthly bible study.
The most prominent event displayed on the site is its annual Pinky Promise Conference, a gathering that is in its 4th year. And one that has its beginnings mired in controversy.
Mumblings of a Problem
A former event planner working with the Lindseys on the planning of their Pinky Promise conference became the target of ire. The volunteer recalled a status call with Heather Lindsey where Lindsey demanded that the volunteer find a cheaper solution for their audio/visual rental needs. The volunteer claims that the Lindseys, having recognized her hard work, agreed to pay her two months into the assignment. Believing that she was sowing into their ministry, she declined the payment.
The volunteer mentions that despite having negotiated a commission of 10% of all room booking fees to be paid to the Lindseys, she learned they only intended to spend $5,000 for a three-day conference—despite having raked in $17,000 in registration fees so far. She also describes an occasion where she suggests to Heather that she hold an appreciation lunch for the volunteers. She claims that Heather retorted “No, they can order their own food.” She even details another fallen business deal with Cornelius Lindsey, claiming he failed to pay her for design work on his book’s website.
Disappearing Acts
Feeling both used and grieved by their actions, she regretted her decision to decline payment. Having already committed 1,000 hours of work for their project, the volunteer decided to cease her services. The Lindseys began a public assault of her character on their social media channels. After she sought compensation, the Lindseys accused her of witchcraft and manipulation. Their followers inundated the volunteer with hate mail and harsh rebukes.
As is often the case with criticism of the Lindseys, the volunteer’s side of the story vanished from the internet. Her blog post, and entire blog, was deleted without explanation. The only evidence of its existence is found buried in the pages of a popular web forum.
At the Top of the Pecking Order
Thousands of Christian women and girls point to Heather Lindsey as an inspiration for Godly dating. They take her stories and advice as a playbook for mimicking her success. From every perfectly posed picture to every caption and status update, Lindsey becomes beaconed light of “if she can, I can too” in the fog of an uncertain dating scene.
Lindsey’s appearance is hard to ignore. Heather herself admits to having relied on her appearance for validation in her early adulthood and dating. Appearing in perfectly tailored outfits, detailed to compliment even the most minor accessories, she is a fashion icon of modesty. Her hair is always perfectly coiffed, even when intentionally messy. Her makeup is never askew. It’s not hard to see why girls and women alike admire her style.
The Social Capital of Beauty
It’s also not hard to see the physical traits of her biracial genetics. The (biological) daughter of a Mexican-German mother and Black father, her resulting lotto of favorable biracial features is prominent. Outfitted with “light skin and good hair,” she represents the top of the social pecking order for Black women. It is a pecking order that favors lighter hues over darker ones in everything from income and occupation to dating and marriage outcomes.
Certainly, Heather has absolutely no control over her genetic makeup. Heather, while a beautiful woman, possesses a physical appearance that doesn’t represent most Black women. It is not to say that she was chosen solely because of her fair skin, petite figure or standard Eurocentric features. But when dating, she had an advantage that much of her audience does not. An advantage that would have made her more likely to marry than a darker hued woman with or without sexual abstinence.
Still, Lindsey continues to preach to women that they too can achieve a marriage like hers if only they remain abstinent and know they’re worth it. A message that she pushes while ignoring the dating realities for women who are too brown, too fat, too old, or just plain too undesirable. All of which are realities of a number of her audience that cleaves to her every word for guidance.
Biblical Inconsistency
Lindsey’s driving force for Pinky Promise is a strict adherence to sexual purity (abstinence) in singleness and Godly submission in dating. Extolling her own example, Lindsey often reminds readers that she and her husband waited until marriage to share their first kiss. As always, her ministry places an emphasis on mimicking her behaviors to gain her outcome. Little room is left to question if her model is God’s plan for the lives of her adherents. Her path and actions tend to come across as the infallible plan of God for all truly Godly women.
The question arises of her model’s biblical compatibility. Kissing, and other forms of physical contact such as hugs and cuddling, has been a subject of debate among well-meaning Christians for some time. Lindsey emphasizes her sexual purity practice with constant reminders that she and Cornelius withheld kisses until their I Dos. While the bible does speak to sexual intimacy before marriage (and theological interpretation thereof is debatable), it speaks nothing of kissing as a sin. Kissing as a form of sexual impurity is a long-reach interpretation of the biblical text about fleeing sexual immorality.
Perhaps Lindsey assumes that kissing is a gateway to sex. It is an assumption that doesn’t give credit to the self-control or discernment. It is also an assumption that possibly discredits the impact of her teachings. If her followers have been properly instructed to “say no in a yes world” as her program intends, it is curious to think that they’d be so easily overcome by the power of lust from a kiss.
Strict definitions of sexual purity such as Lindsey’s plants and waters seeds of sexual neurosis. Instead of practicing abstinence for spiritual growth, the follower of Lindsey’s theology becomes bogged down with acts of performative Christianity. They become more consumed with following her playbook to the tee as the path to marriage than with obedience as an act of worship.
Exaggerated Godly Submission
But Lindsey’s impact doesn’t end at sex. She offers a playbook for married women as well to sustain their marriages in a Godly way. She offers constant advice for women who want to be the best Godly wives possible. As usual, Lindsey offers no greater example than her own actions as a wife.
In a 15-minute video message on the subject, she candidly recalls an occasion from 16 days into their engagement about buying a car. She describes how she purchased a vehicle after having thought she clearly discussed it with her soon to be husband. Turns out Cornelius wasn’t as clear that she was purchasing the car as she thought he was. His concern and request for consultation is understandable. The car purchase is a financial impact that would affect them both. It’s an example that’s fairly easy to relate to and understand. But the tales of Heather Lindsey-defined submission gets a bit more interesting.
A few years ago, Heather sent tongues wagging with a simple Instagram post about clip-in bangs. Posting a photo of herself installing the bangs for a date night with her husband. In the caption, she informs readers that her husband disliked the addition so she removed them. She used it as an example of submission in even the littlest things, an action that contradicts her insistence that she doesn’t seek out her husband’s guidance in every little thing (an expression found in the 15 minute video above).
Concerns were raised again when she used an opportunity to extol the virtues of submission by recounting her husband’s request that she not sit in the backseat with their infant son. Her husband, Cornelius, quickly objected to the clamor. He defended his wife, stating that “submission is a beautiful thing, and my wife does it for her protection.” He goes on in praise of her submission and of himself, declaring that “…she chooses to honor and respect me as her husband. There’s peace in our house, and my wife is happy. I, as her husband, makes sure [her smile] stays there.” His self-exaltation continues: “That’s the role of a real man, and I assure you’ll be willing to submit to one if one was ever presented to you.”
His rationale for asking her not to sit with their son in the backseat? “Specifically, her sitting in the backseat with Logan hinders his growth. He needs to learn to adapt in certain situations. I also cannot allow Logan to be constantly pacified and emasculated. As a man, I understand how that can hinder him later in life.” And Heather, despite her earlier claims of her husband’s submission to her in parenting, reposts this with pride of her Godly submission.
The Deification of Heather Lindsey
The appeal of Heather Lindsey isn’t that difficult to understand. Her beauty, her story, and the fruits of her life are all things typically admirable. She has cultivated the power of religious sexual repression and women’s desire for romantic validation. The result is a successful ministry with a reach in the 500,000+ range.
She appears as the penultimate representation of Godly femininity and womanhood. To her followers, her love for the Lord is infectious. Her words appear as prophetically timely to women in the bouts of loneliness. Her prayers for beauty in all things appear clearly reflected in every photo posted of her family’s life. Even photos of her in worship are ethereal, inducing awe and covet in their viewers. Her constant quoting of scriptures and punchy delivery of empowerment appears as a clear indication of one who has denied themselves for the call of Christ.
Heather has remarked previously about her compulsion of materialism in her life before Christ. She describes herself as someone who based her value on the accumulation of things: money, handbags, and other demonstrations of wealth. Though it appears she’s realized her value is found in Christ, remnants of her former attachment to material things remains. Be it a strategic placement of the Louis Vuitton Neverfull GM, the sly reveal of a red sole shoe, the extravagant children’s birthday parties, or the less-than-candid candid photos.
Certainly, no one has called God’s children to a life of asceticism. The brand ministry of Lindsey appears to be as much about Christian Louboutin as it is about Christ. It treads a fine line of showing God’s blessings and showing off. Surely, Heather must know that her posts create more frenetic enthusiasm for herself than for God. Further, she has to know that more focus on her means a weakened ability to lead one to Christ.
Check the Source
It is worth noting that the Godhead of the Lindsey home, Cornelius, was an employee of Pastor Creflo Dollar of World Changers from 2006-2010. Creflo Dollar is primarily known for his preaching of prosperity gospel, a belief that God desires for his faithful adherents to be rich. Despite denials, rumors still persist that one must present their W2 for membership at Dollar’s church. Cornelius describes the experience of working for Dollar as “a ride I wasn’t prepared to take, and please understand that the emotional bumps and bruises still affect me to this day.”
Indeed it appears that the residue of Dollar remains. The Lindseys display Dollar’s leanings in leadership and grandiose displays of wealth. In 2012, Creflo Dollar was arrested on battery charges after assaulting his 15 year-old daughter. In a statement on the incident, Dollar states “As a father I love my children and I always have their best interest at heart at all times.” He also remarked that the incident was part of the devil’s plan to “discredit” his ministry. The testimony of his daughters? He simply writes off as “Malicious witnesses [who] testify against me,” he said, reading from Psalms 35 in the Old Testament. “They accuse me of crimes I know nothing about … May those who rejoice in my discomfort be humiliated and disgraced.” Dr. Creflo Dollar was again a subject of contentious debate after he requested his membership support the purchase of $65M G650 jet in 2015.
Isn’t She Lovely?
Heather’s words and actions can leave readers in two ways. One is the feeling is inferiority, a common side effect of seeing the best moments of one’s life cataloged on social media. The second is the root of obsessive compulsion to have her life as your own. Her followers wait with baited breath to share her next words across the internet. They clamor to double tap and comment on every Instagram post. Some take it a few steps further.
The cleansing of Heather Lindsey’s social media accounts is well known. She as much a brand as she is a ministry. Her feed is carefully curated and dissent monitored and, in many cases, removed. Her followers will aid in her defense, some more viciously than others, anytime someone comments with opposing thought. Though Lindsey has never explicitly condoned this, she’s never explicitly condemned this behavior either.
Curiously enough, she hasn’t been vocally against the idolization of her beauty, ministry, or life as a wife on any of her social media channels. A stroll through the comments section of any @heatherllove account will tell the tale far better than I could. Her ministry marketing plan is not unlike most. She provides enough of an intimate glimpse into her life to create an artificial bond and connectedness with her audience. Every post is deliberate and fans the flames of covetous desire. It is evident in the exuberant compliments and adoration that litters her comments section, behavior she often acquiesces to. While she’s discouraged sexual soul ties for her [single] adherents, she’s done little to prevent the soul ties formed between her ministry and its followers.
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Vanity is En Vogue
The natural question here is why discuss Mrs. Lindsey? She is no different than other social media figures who’ve amassed a large, loyal following. She appears as no more or less harmful than other moderate public figures. The answer is simple.
Heather’s platform has afforded her the opportunity to spread misinformation to a large, impressionable audience. She has convinced, and continues to convince, masses of women that their complex feelings in singleness should be ignored. She does this largely without critical examination of her theological interpretations or behavior. Even without the countless displays of vanity and vainglory on the part of the Lindseys, we cannot look over their growing impact on the lives of women.
As Min. Candice Benbow mentions, the singleness of Black Christian women is largely over-spiritualized. Make no mistake about it: the majority of Lindsey’s audience is comprised of single, Black, Christian women. Lindsey has created a ministry that teaches that women are single because God is pruning & preparing for the entrance of her mate can come in at best. At worst, her ministry teaches that singleness is as a result of being especially chosen by God for a life of solitude in preparation for His return.
The tenets of Heather Lindsey’s ministry suggests that single women must do and become enough in order to become a wife. In every instance, Lindsey has created a profitable business model by planting the idea that women aren’t “good” enough on their own. Ministry should not be in business to profit from misery. And there is nothing more miserable than creating a space that causes women to base their entire identity, worth, and esteem on their sexuality.
And many impressionable young women are buying in wholesale hook, line, and sinker.
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This is extremely interesting. Even the objective of sharing this article. I’ve gone to a conference, listened to her videos, read her blogs and me hearing what she has to say makes me feel no where near inferior. Maybe because of my understanding of who I am. Not saying that others don’t. Ive heard out of her own mouth her saying that what I did to get what I had is not a formula to get what I had. I’m very careful when I follow people when it comes to Christ just because everyone will put their own twist on the bible. I’m thankful that she emphases to go to God for yourself and have your own relationship by spending time with him.
I make its very clear to be careful who I put my mouth on and what I entertain and what comes out my mouth about others. Even if the volunteer was telling the truth, no one know when she fixed her heart and made it right with God.
Grace & peace be with you. If your spirit finds no ought, by all means, continue to be fed where your soul is watered.
Yeah she is Juanita Bynum reloaded, clock this one out the gate. No thank you.
And we all see what’s happened to Bishop-Elect Juanita Bynum these days.
heather lindsey is a woman of God. period. my only concern has been the same, the women who follow yes may not have the advantages of said appearance, and i do feel inferior after reading at times, so sometimes i ‘m not sure if that’s my own sin or simply because of the spirit of comparison. We as Christians do need to remember the ‘weaker’ brother i think. not everyone will have the fab life, even if we are pure and obey God. so i do think its unfair to lead women to believe ‘ if you live like me’ you will be married with two kids.Not saying she does, but i feel this sometimes. on the other hand we know Jesus rewards obedience truly, and who are we to say He would not reward the brown girl as well. But we know the reality of the world we live in so i do hope she will address this issue. This is my only complaint, but truly this is not heather’s fault. she didn’t pick who follows her, So I think the good she has done as totally outweighed the few issues i may have. many woman have left lives of adultery, and whoredom given her anointing so while I may not always agree, there is no doubt she has been called of God.
Full stop. This deeply concerns me. What do you spiritually gain from a source that takes confidence and replaces it with feelings of inferiority? That’s not God’s will or plan for His/Her children. You cannot be effective in the call on your life when doubt and inferiority take precedence. And one shouldn’t participate in any ministry, conversation, or disciple themselves to anyone who makes them feel less than fully called and equipped by God. Nor should anyone internalize those feelings as their own fault instead of critically examining the words or actions of the party who caused them to feel this way.
That’s not the implication here. Of course God rewards obedience. The problem is that there are very real barriers in our society that makes dating harder for some more than others. Beyond that, much of your comment lets me know that you too see this as a problem but are struggling to come out from the haze. It’s okay, Sis. There’s respite here.
She doesn’t pick her followers, true. She does, however, have immeasurable influence over them. Just as sure as you and I have noticed this as a problem, she has to have noticed it as well. And to this point, she has neither confronted nor condemned it.
And Sis, no amount of called by Christ can excuse willful oversight of borderline idolatry.