There’s lessons everywhere if you pay attention. While the Dirty John podcast is certainly a cautionary tale of love and deception, it is also a lesson in the harm that bad religious teaching around forgiveness leads us into.
Dirty John, an addictive six-part podcast series, held me captive from the first few moments of its introduction. Christopher Goffard, author of the series for the L.A. Times, narrates this true crime story as told through recollection from Debra, her family, and a band of characters. It’s a harrowing account of Debra Newell, a four-time divorcee in LA who meets John Meehan, her knight in shining armor – or so she thinks – on an over 50 dating site. Debra quickly becomes smitten, ignoring the series of red flags in her new beau from the start.
“I Still Loved Him”
Without giving too much away for those who have yet to listen, we learn that Debra Newell’s family history is colored with both the intense religiosity of Christian family values and the trauma of homicide. Cindi, Newell’s sister, was murdered in 1984 at the hands of her abusive husband Billy Vickers. Arlane Hart, mother to the Newell sisters, serves as a walking demonstration of the trouble with Christian forgiveness.
Before her unfortunate demise, Cindi shared her fears with her mother and indicated that she wanted a divorce. She details how her husband, a man she married in her teens, has become increasingly possessive over every aspect of her life. Arlane recalls her son-in-law saying, “I can’t let her go.” On March 8, 1984, Vickers put a gun to the back of her head and pulled the trigger before turning the gun on himself.
Abuse, Faith, and Absolute Forgiveness
One of the most troubling, frustrating aspects of this story is the matriarch’s obstruction of justice in her daughter’s death. Arlane Hart says that when informed of her daughter’s death, she immediately began to pray for God’s presence to help her deal with everything to come. Cindi’s husband and murderer recovered from his self-inflicted wound and was charged with first-degree murder. On a call with Arlane Hart, he apologizes for killing her daughter. Hart’s response? “I told him, ‘I still love you.’”
Hart was so forgiving, in fact, that she informed the district attorney handling the prosecution of her daughter’s murderer that she wished to testify on Vickers’ behalf. When called to testify, she painted a picture of her daughter as a wife who had mistreated her husband and caused him to act in a way that was out of character. With the help of her testimony, Vickers spent less than three years in prison.
Arlane Hart, and subsequently the children she raised, believed that Christian forgiveness comes at the expense of justice. She believed that there was good in all people, the love covered a multitude of sin, and that no person is incorrigible.
Hart’s unbiblical doctrine of absolute forgiveness seized the justice that Cindi’s life deserved. Many believers have been taught that they must forgive any and all grave offenses immediately, even in the absence of repentance. Moreover, this ideology of absolute forgiveness forsakes that the act is not intended to justify or deter the natural consequence of transgression.
Devaluing Women’s Intuition and Discernment
The women in ‘Dirty John’ repeatedly show an ignorance of intuition and spiritual discernment; an ignorance for which they pay a hefty sum.
Cindi told her mother that Vickers was becoming increasingly controlling. He dictated what she wore, where she went, and with whom she kept company. Cindi told her mother she feared he would escalate into violence, a fear that ultimately turned out to be warranted. Yet, Arlane ignored Cindi’s intuition and Vickers’ foreshadowing statements because she didn’t “feel” he could ever do her harm.
Debra ignored the intuition of her daughters concerning John Meehan. She states repeatedly that she followed her heart and not her head, even when presented with plain evidence of trouble. It was a sentiment that was shared and endorsed by none other than her mother Arlane Hart who, at one point, is the only advocate for John in Debra’s family.
The Perversion of Faith for Control
Debra Newell’s repetition of her mother’s behaviors isn’t all that hard to understand. Arlane indoctrinated her daughter with the idea of absolute forgiveness. It is a doctrine that appears to beset her entire dating life but certainly in her relationship with Meehan. The societal devaluation of women – our intuitive nature, emotions, and ability – is neither new nor exclusive to any demographic. However, the addition of a religious component pushes it into a new realm.
As frustrated as Newell left me in listening to her saga, I cannot help but consider the impact of the psychological harms of Evangelical Christianity. It’s clear that Newell is a victim of multigenerational patterns of abuse enabled by faulty religious teachings. I’d venture a bet that her four prior divorces left her self-loathing over the repeated failure to “get it right”. By Newell’s own admission, she struggled with her inability to forgive Bill Vickers’ in the way her mother did.
Being raised in a variant of faith that requires a literalist approach rather than a progressive, humanistic view, it’s reasonable that Newell chose to “lean not on [her] own understanding.” Instead of listening to reason and discernment, she decides (on multiple occasions) to follow her “Mama ‘nem” Jesus and forgive – and reconcile – with her abuser.
There’s so much to unpack in ‘Dirty John’ and these thoughts just scratch the surface. If you haven’t yet, check out the newest true crime obsession now. Dirty John is available now on iTunes [listen], Google Play [listen], and other major podcasting services.
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I know I’m late to the party but like many others I also paused at the Forgiveness episode to find this thread. You articulated exactly what is so despicable about evangelical interpretations of Christianity. Let’s never forget that Christianity is a patriarchal belief system through and through, and while it contains many teachings that can be interpreted progressively to highlight acts of kindness and human rights (as it was in my church growing up), other teachings are used over and over again to devalue women’s and other out groups’ experiences and it makes me absolutely sick. The moment I heard her say “I just need to pray” instead of demanding justice for her daughter I was so enraged, and still pronouncing love for him TO HIS FACE is unacceptable. It speaks to the generational devaluation of daughters as humans and puts husbands’ lives, even abusive ones, above the women’s. It is actions like hers that strengthen the evangelical church’s violently controlling patriarchal bent, even in 2021. Sickening. Thank you for this article.
When they were speaking about the way Debra’s therapist addressed her children’s concerns I found myself wondering if the therapist was truly trying to help her or was one of those endlessly unhelpful ones recommended by the church who teaches Christianity over self-care and self-respect. I was sent to such a person as a teenager and went from being a little dramatic and sad to suicidal in a few months. Debra made many terrible decisions but having both her own mother and her therapist seemingly pulling for her to stay married to that horrible man must have left her so conflicted.
Yes, I too was taken in by a con-man feigning Christianity and being a knight in shining armor to me after 15 years as a widowed mother of 3 young boys. I still struggle on days with the notion that I haven’t forgiven enough or that God can someone how change my ex spouse. Then I listen and read my own “podcasts” and writings. You see I have recordings of his evil towards me and his letters and vile emails. I’m reminded as I review them that this was never a marriage it was a con. I still love the role of the husband that he provided but have learned that like me God himself can hate the person that did this to me. This man was protected by preacher after preacher. Wake up church — if you read your Bible correctly church leadership needs to learn to toss these evil people out.
Agree. A twisting of gospel doctrines to support abuse is such a sad form of spiritual abuse. It makes victims feel like God is not on their side, but on the abuser’s side. What a terrible tragedy to have religion used to undermine someone’s trust in their creator. It’s so upsetting.
Here over a year later… I also paused this episode to find this post. I could NOT agree more about how mainstream religion (and other mainstream organizations) were built to silence and devalue a woman’s intuition. So many women I know don’t trust their instincts because they “know they get emotional”, etc. I appreciate that you made this connection.
The whole of these comments/replies are spot on! I am a father of 3 daughters and was very disturbed to hear Arlane’s response to finding out from the police about how her beautiful daughter was just executed in cold blood. She immediately asks the Lord for strength to forgive him. This response is born out of the warped theology she has been indoctrinated in. Forgiveness is conditional. We are not forgiven until we come to the point of repentance and humility. The great Reformed theologian John Murray summarized this truth as follows:
“Forgiveness is a definite act performed by us on the fulfillment of certain conditions…. Forgiveness is something actively administered on the repentance of the person who is to be forgiven. We greatly impoverish ourselves and impair the relations that we should sustain to our brethren when we fail to appreciate what is involved in forgiveness.”
The one true God is HOLY but He is also JUST and RIGHTEOUS. He does not offer blanket forgiveness, but only forgives those who confess and repent and believe. The same is true for us.
This is an excellent analysis. Like others here, I felt perturbed by the ‘Forgiveness’ episode and wanted to understand more. Thank you for writing this.
Wow, did you nail the real message here. Devaluing women’s own perception of what’s happening to them, silencing their voices as the mother did to Cindi, is the crime of the ages. The mother wouldn’t even let herself grieve the loss of her own daughter before flipping into her distorted version of what faith and forgiveness is all about. It’s not a drug so that you don’t feel the pain.
Your analysis is powerful and well articulated.
Thank you.
I agree and disagree with what you said. I had to pause during the episode like many others because i was so disgusted by Arlane’s view on forgiveness and what she did during her daughters trials. I had sympathy but still repulsed. Sympathy because she followed what she believed was right but repulsed because she did not truly understand what she was believing. The Bible has always advocated for forgiving others but it never says that justice should not be carried out. Even mainstream Evangelical Christianity as you describe has the sense to understand that the Bible says to forgive those who offend you. Absolutely and completely. But no one can ever deny that justice should still be carried, the punishment is needed to be paid for the offender and for society to understand that such crimes will not be tolerated. But that does not mean absolute forgiveness cannot take place, it is healthy when victims are able to do that. I hope people (especially those who subscribe to Jesus’s teachings) will really understand forgiveness and not twist it to manipulate others.
Very well said! Couldn’t believe what I was hearing from Arlane Hart who seemed to come to the rescue of Billy instead of her own daughter. Tragic.
In my opinion, Arlane Hart has blood on her hands. Perhaps if she’d allowed herself to actually grieve Cindi’s murder, instead of numbing herself with that bastardized theatrical version of Christianity, Debra may have had the courage to honor her own initial feelings and never gone on that second date with this Psycho.
YES! YES! YES! Thank you so much for breaking this down. There’s faith and then there’s foolishness…
I’m so glad I found this! Just started listening to Dirty John. I’m sensitive to a lot of true crime but found this podcast to be intelligent and elegantly executed. What’s so interesting is whole listening to the Forgiveness episode I started it physically cringe and become infuriated with Arlane Hart. I was so annoyed and frankly angered with her but could not find the language. I found this article immediately after googling more about Dirty John. Thank you! Thank you! For this insight. It provided the exact words I was searching for. Not only the religious aspect but the blind and unaware misogyny that surfaces through out the entire series. Arlane especially! Well done!
I’m having the exact same reaction now! I had to pause Forgiveness halfway through, like just now, and come find this post. And feel intense relief that at least two other people had the same reactions. My husband is at work and I’m sitting here ranting to the cat about how furious I am with Arlane and this whole forgiveness shtick, the way that she ignored her daughter, happily defamed her character in court and made HER seem like the abuser, and completely devalue her daughter’s life and murder as well as the lives and murders of all victims of abusive partners.
I think my brain may actually explode with rage. GAH.